One of the worst introductions to any event announcement is “It’s that time of the year again.” So to change it up for you, the readers, I will roll out a diatribe of alternatives for the conclusion of a calendar year and the beginning of a new.
“It’s time to boogie woogie.” “It’s time wear a lampshade on your head and forget who you are.” “It’s time to sleep and not peek from under the sheets until 2010.” “It’s time to stomp that 2009 year silly and get on to a better economy.”
In light of my efforts, someone assuredly still will spew out “It’s that time of the year again” at New Year’s, Groundhog Day, St. Patrick’s Day, Independence Day or, for my Canadian friends, Boxing Day. They will say it.
Last year I provided you with things that would NOT happen in 2009. Proudly, I was dead-on with my observations about the county commission, school board and Relay For Life. I even got that Sarah Palin, Alaska’s former governor, would not spend half the year in her home state in ‘09.
The only prediction I missed was – my apologies to the Dawg Nation – that Georgia will NOT defeat Georgia Tech. In retrospect, I should have typed that Georgia Tech will NOT defeat Georgia, but WILL win the ACC and the 7-5 Georgia, instead, WILL play its bowl game in the cesspool which is Shreveport, La. UGA finished its season 8-5 with a triumphant bowl win Monday.
Admittedly, I had a blemish on my record, so with this go-around for yearly prognostications I will attempt to improve on my .950 average.
Sylvania City Council members, excluding maybe Ben Smith, will NOT receive any invites to festive get-togethers at the South Main Street Revesz residence, just down from some new professional zoning, on any holiday, including Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Day on Aug. 8, 2010, It’s My Party Day on Oct. 11, or even Squirrel Appreciation Day on Jan. 21.
Also city council will NOT divert from its 99.9 percent likelihood of voting unanimously on everything, including whether Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone in JFK’s assassination, whether O.J. Simpson really is not guilty of two murders, and whether the government is lying about UFOs in Roswell, N.M.
And liquor by the drink will NOT be mentioned for discussion in 2010 by any city council member even though the measure is in the comprehensive plan upon the citizens’ request. Council, present and future, you have until 2028 to address the issue, but Las Vegas odds makers say there is a better chance that Sylvan Heights will be rezoned professional than a cordial council member says anything reasonably close like “would you like some licorice.”
The teachers in the Screven County School System will NOT be happy they are furloughed more days in 2010 because of additional extreme state budget cuts, but, devoted to the education of our children, those teachers will mightily push forward.
With complete uncertainty surrounding if the local school system will or will not have school uniforms for the 2010-2011 year, the BOE assuredly will NOT opt for MC Hammer-styled balloon pants or former teen music sensations Kris Kross’ wearing of their clothes backwards.
Located on U.S. Highway 301 in Screven County, our state welcome center -- the oldest operational one of its kind in the United States – will NOT be welcomed into the Georgia budget by the governor, no matter who that person may be. One day maybe someone will be able to explain to me why having a mega fishing tournament is important, but having a center open to welcome visitors to our great state isn’t pertinent. Citizens, let’s do whatever necessary to keep the 301 center open for the benefit of all of the Peach State.
Despite the reminders by your community newspaper, television advertisements, letters and cards in the mail, and the ever-famous word of mouth, Screven County sadly will NOT break 80 percent in its returns of the Census 2010 forms. Residents, I desperately hope I’m 100 percent wrong with this prediction. You don’t want Census workers rapping at your chamber door. So when the form arrives at your residence, fill it out and mail it back. It is to your benefit and your community’s benefit.
The county’s wayward dogs and cats will NOT be getting into their new detention center any time soon. Ground was broken for the new animal shelter at the beginning of September. Within a few hours, it will be 2010 and no progress has been made at the site. Ceremonies are nice, but they don’t mean a thing if you don’t have that shelter wing.
Major holidays in 2010 will NOT be without family, food and the loss of power in the city of Sylvania. We’ve got a streak going as long as the Harlem Globetrotters had over the Washington Generals and those other stooge teams. There’s a wind gust or a squirrel with a death wish out there with our name on it coming just in time for the July Fourth, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Oh joy!
Without your help, United Way of Screven County will NOT meet its goal. Those who are unemployed or are new to the unemployment lines like former Sylvania Yarn Systems employees will struggle to find the finances for shelter, clothing and food. I don’t have any wisenheimer comments here. It is just the truth. Funds pledged to the United Way aid those in need.
While you are rustling up a dollar or two for United Way, I leave you with few quick hitters. Enjoy them, but more importantly remember the many blessings you have.
Tiger Woods will NOT be drinking as much Gatorade, peddling as much Nike gear or free spending as much on his American Express without the express written consent of one Ms. Elin Nordegren. And then Nordegren will divorce the golfing superstar for $500 million, give or take $100 million or so.
Bo “First Dog” Obama, as though he may try, will NOT overtake the Clintons’ “Socks” the cat as the No. 1 White House pet of all time. Sorry, but George and Barbara Bush Sr.’s dog/author “Millie,” Jimmy Carter’s canine “Grits,” and FDR’s dog “Fala” aren’t numero uno.
Second place, in my rankings, actually goes to Calvin Coolidge’s raccoon “Rebecca.” Third place goes to Theodore Roosevelt badger “Josiah.”
Honorable mention: Woodrow Wilson’s sheep “Old Ike;” Benjamin Harrison’s goat “Old Whiskers;” Abraham Lincoln’s turkey “Jack;” and Thomas Jefferson’s bear. President Jefferson was too busy to name his animal. ¬
Hope that walk down the presidential pets path put a smile on your face. Now let’s work on keeping that grin in place throughout 2010.

Enoch Autry is the publisher-editor of the Sylvania Telephone.