As I sit here with my coffee, protected from the cold and snow that, as expected, caused a run on bread and milk at the stores, secure in the warm conviction that I have learned a little something from life’s mistakes, I have decided to write an advice column. And, being the father of two daughters and grandfather of three girls and one boy, I can’t think of a better place to start than fatherhood.
So, with those qualifications in mind, dear reader, please understand that the following advice is directed at my nephews Clay and John and any other men facing fatherhood with fear and trepidation. Also understand that I am not responsible if something goes awry.
First, be patient: If you think you’re burdened with tremendous responsibility, lighten up. In traditional families, it’s Mother who is really burdened. She can sleep through a tornado and freight train passing by your house simultaneously, but will awaken instantly at the slightest whimper of that baby. You won’t hear a thing.
Change that messy diaper: I know you’ll feel the urge to take out the garbage or go sort your socks as soon as that familiar odor wafts across the room, but you won’t get away with those ruses forever. Just dive right in. Do it early and get it over with. Bad diapers don’t get better with age.
Secure your house: That means installing those cabinet latches that even adults can’t open and keeping out of baby’s reach the small, inedible objects that appear to be edible. Since you both are having girls, Clay and John, you’ll also need to hide your razors years down the road, when those girls have grown more hair on their legs than you have and they’re looking for a quick fix.
Forget the heavy reading: When the attention span of the girls is more than 20 seconds long, Mother will want you to read to them. Don’t even think about buying books for yourself. The most complex character you’ll read about for some time is Mrs. Ticklefeather. Deal with it.
Observe Mother’s techniques: That means do what she does as best you can. If baby wants to hold her blankie as she’s rocked to sleep, make sure you know where that blankie is located before Mother goes out for a while. If you don’t, you’ll regret it.
Help with potty training: Again, be patient. It works sooner or later. But you don’t want that young’un to enter first grade wearing a diaper. Try different things. To encourage her younger daughter, Jessica, to use the bathroom, daughter Michele added a Lion King pullup on top of the diaper. Later that day, Jessica came in and announced, “Mommy, I poo poo’d on Simba.”
You’ll face some trying times, guys. No doubt about it. But, believe me, all the trouble is worth the outcome. There’s nothing better than being a father, unless, of course, it’s being a grandfather.
God be with you. And make sure you watch Mother.

Phil Hudgins’ column is published in many newspapers around the Southeast.