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All my resolutions are not things I’ll do, but things I won’t do in 2012

Things I resolve not to do in 2012:
Believe everything our new GPS says. We bought a new GPS device after our former navigator wanted more than a hundred dollars for an update, probably because some new roads have been built in Ft. Wayne, Ind. Well, the new system is cheaper and isn’t quite as sophisticated. For example, it doesn’t know the word “recalculating” and can’t pronounce certain words like “boulevard” and “avenue” and “road.” But if you watch for obvious errors, taking into account that you do not detour through Pascagoula, Miss., to get to the west side of town, then the cheapo eventually will get you in the general vicinity of your destination. Its last message: “This is the best I can do; you’re now on your own.”
Judge any “pretty children” contests. Over the years, I have judged contests in writing, wild-game cooking (I judged the fish), patriotic speeches, tackiness (the tackiest-dressed senior citizen won), Christmas decorations (in Dahlonega, Ga.) and pretty children. Of those, the only judging that’ll get you killed is for pretty children. In a weak moment years ago, I agreed to judge pretty children in a rural county where all children are extraordinarily beautiful. Lord knows, another judge and I did our best in judging, but we never convinced the mother whose daughter came in second place.
Buy socks that come in bundles of a dozen. I bought one bundle years ago, thinking that 12 pairs of socks for five dollars was the best purchase ever. Well, it would’ve been if the socks had matched. I had some that barely covered my ankles while others covered the top of my thigh. They were not marked “irregular,” incidentally, because that was too nice a word.
Put any stupid things I’ve done on YouTube. I don’t know why people do those things. No, I’m not talking about performing stupid acts. Most of us have done them. I’m talking about putting them on YouTube so that the whole world can marvel at how stupid some people can be. And those videos, you know, live forever, which proves there is no statute of limitations on stupidity.
Fail to buy my wife a Mother’s Day present. A quarter-century ago, I was talking to a man I considered wiser than I, mainly because he was my boss. “What are you getting your wife for Mother’s Day?” I asked. “Nothing,” he replied. “She’s not my mother.” You know, I’d never thought of it that way, I said to myself. So that year, I didn’t buy my wife a Mother’s Day present. My boss, it turned out, was not as wise as I thought.
Mix up my date for a colonoscopy with a date to speak to the Royston Rotary Club. I did that, by the way, and ended up missing both dates. It’s a long story, so I’ll give you the Reader’s Digest version: Both events were rescheduled, but it was the Rotarians who got the short end of the stick.
 
Phil Hudgins’ column is published in many newspapers around the Southeast.