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Yes Deer, your belching & backfiring makes me sweat

Camels will kill ya.
Suck in enough of their stuff and your health will go into a downward spiral.
Oh you thought I was talking about Camel cigarettes? While yes, those and other such sticks do lead to potential illness, I actually am referring to camels, those mammals with either the one or two majestic humps.
About 9,000 miles away from our community in Australia, wild camels have become a mega-menace – so much so that the government down under proposed killing camels officially be registered as a way to reduce greenhouse gas emissions.
For those of you not in the know, camels aren’t at the top of people’s picks for possible roommates. Camels are gassy. Real dadgum gassy.
Just how bad are the airborne vapors? Researchers say each camel belches an estimated 100 pounds of methane a year. That’s equivalent to just over a ton of carbon dioxide in its impact on global warming which is roughly one-sixth the amount of carbon dioxide the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency says an average vehicle produces annually.
The Australia proposal would allow sharpshooters to earn “carbon credits” for slaughtering camels. Industrial polluters around the world could buy the credits to offset their own carbon emissions, according to the plan.
Screven Countians, make sure your names are on that list to help nullify the emissions of your goats, pigs, cattle and sheep.
Mark Dreyfus, the Australian government’s parliamentary secretary for climate change, said he hopes the proposal wipes out camels in the Outback.
“Potentially, it has tremendous merit, because feral camels are a dreadful menace across the whole of arid Australia,” Dreyfus said.
The burping and flatulating camels in question were first introduced in the 1840s to assist explorers and pioneers travel through Australia’s uber-dry interior. However, now camels cover massive tracts of the continent’s parched and sparsely populated center and west.
In Australia, the camels battle with sheep and cattle for food, stomp out vegetation, and pummel remote settlements in search of water, terrifying residents as they rip apart bathrooms and tear up water pipes.
After reading this, some of you are asking, “Enoch, what in the name of Crocodile Dundee does this have to do with me?”
Well I am glad you asked. As a faithful reader of the Sylvania Telephone, you are well aware that our publication each week reports of wayward woodland creatures that go face to car grill and expire on the roads. We have deer … lots and lots of deer. Big deer, small deer and even mid-sized compact deer. Too many of them.
But it isn’t only about kamikaze deer these days. Nope, we have wandering wild turkeys, confused coyotes and baffled beavers. And those are just the ones reported. Squirrels and armadillos typically do not show up on the reports unless they are the size of Sasquatch and Godzilla.
According to studies, deer methane emissions are only half or a third of that of sheep and cattle. Cows emit the most with deer a distant second, and then the lambs sheepishly third.
Finding published reports on the methane emissions of armadillos and squirrels however isn’t too easy, but as best as I can ascertain armadillos eek out roughly a fourth that of sheep and squirrels approximately an eighth that of the woolly ones.
With that awareness, let’s now go back to the Evil Empire known as deer. While true, they are rather pleasant to look at from a distant and for many even more pleasant to shoot, deer are Screven County drivers’ public enemy No. 1.
Don’t believe me? Ask local auto collision specialists Michael McBride or Eddie Lovett.
McBride’s Body Shop and Wallis Paint & Body stay extremely busy throughout deer season, which in these parts runs 12 months a year.
Although deer methane may be merely half that of sheep and cattle, there are more deer in our county than the combined number of cattle and sheep. By my estimation, there are enough deer in Screven County to fill Georgia Southern University’s Paulson Stadium 11 times over, give or take a student section or two.
That’s an overabundance of gassy releases from the facial and tushy areas of the deer. Add in that scientists say that carbon dioxide impact global warming and we have ourselves a developing scenario.
Isn’t it obvious what’s happening? Way too many deer have released way too many nasty vapors and that is the major reason our summer temperatures have been in the 90s for 40 straight days.
There it is. It is as simple as that. Deer are why we are sweltering in the heat. It all makes sense when you compile all the pieces.
I have unlocked the secret to the continuous sauna and the reason stinks.
What can be done about this deer-to-heat ratio? Well, I do not suggest initially smacking them with your vehicle, but if you see any deer – and you will – provide them with a one-way bus ride out of the Peach State.
I hear Saskatchewan is nice this time of year.

Enoch Autry is publisher-editor of the Sylvania Telephone.