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Rep. Burns refutes he attacked newspaper editor with cane; calls showmanship contest 'rigged'

In movie fanfare, it is rare that flicks advance into a trilogy. Most are ones-and-dones.
While the cinema world is unaccustomed to seeing movies evolve into a trio, the reading nation is far less familiar in witnessing a back-to-back-to-back in column writing.
Well, here is my written version trend breaker.
Two weeks ago I provided you a glimpse via a column into my training mode as I was selected as one of the celebrities for the Screven County Livestock Festival Showmanship Showdown on the opening night of the livestock shows. It was an evening with pigs.
I call this “I will show no swine until it is time.”  
Last week I brought you into a squeal by squeal account on my in-ring realizations. Within that writing, I detailed how a county commission chairman’s pig wiped its dirty snout all over my pants leg and also I described how our state representative accosted me with his wooden cane allegedly intended to guide his pig.
I call this “May the pork be with you.”
On Friday, State Rep. Jon Burns informed the Sylvania Telephone – be that me -- that he must rebuke my assertions of his attack on my other leg that was not already besmirched by Chairman Will Boyd’s pig, whose swine, like the others, was picked from the back-stage pen area.
Being a fair person, I, of course, will allow Rep. Burns to elaborate his side of what occurred in the ring at the Screven County Agricultural Center April 8. However before I do that, I first want to establish a series of truthful aspects.
Rep. Burns recently qualified unopposed in his re-election campaign for the Georgia House District 159 seat. He has sought and retained that office without opposition multiple times. While I do not dispute the rigors Rep. Burns faces as a lawmaker on our behalf as constituents, his ability to exhibit a pig leaves a feeding-trough worth to be desired.
Please review the photographs above this column that denote frame-by-frame visuals of Rep. Burns’ cane swinging on one Sylvania Telephone newspaper editor, a Mr. Enoch Autry.
Showing an apparent missing “Where’s Waldo” pig, Rep. Burns sees me and then takes his backswing with pinpoint accuracy to my unsuspecting leg. Also note how I am exhibiting my rental pig “Porky” correctly unlike Rep. Burns and his invisible swine.
Photographic evidence shows Rep. Burns trying his best to look like Bubba Watson off the par 5 tee on the 485-yard 13th hole at The Masters, but it is elementary my dear Watson, er, Rep. Burns that although it may have been the week of that prestigious golf tournament we were instead in Sylvania, an hour and a half from Augusta National.
Apparently, Rep. Burns’ confusion on the difference between high-level professional golfing and the quality act of showing swine kept him out of consideration for the intensely sought celebrity showmanship top honor – an award won in its first year of existence by Sylvania Mayor Margaret Evans.
Rep. Burns presented the cane to Evans for her winning effort. However, unbeknownst to Mayor Evans, Rep. Burns says his intentions were to have the cane as a traveling trophy. If Mayor Evans is unable to defend her trophy, or in this case assault weapon, then it would go to the judged as the 2015 showmanship champion in what I am assured will be forever known as the “Battle for the Ole Wooden Cane.”
While this celebrity citizen cane thing has an undeniable luster to it, Rep. Burns should have been more eloquent to Mayor Evans when he bestowed it to her. The mayor says she was not informed of this stipulation until Monday of this week.
Now without any more pomp or circumstances, here is Rep. Burns’ rebuttal and these are his words, not this column writer’s.
“I trust you to write the facts,” said Rep. Burns to me April 11, less than 24 hours after the conclusion of the 63rd annual livestock festival with its Cow Patty Bingo finale. “If the facts aren’t clearly written, I will have to take this to a higher power.
“It was rigged that the mayor won,” said Rep. Burns. “Since the judge didn’t announce one, I am claiming reserve champion. I wish you better luck next year. You are a disgruntled loser and if you continue to train, you may be a credible showman next year. You are just whining.
“People more familiar with the sport know that I was showing my pig correctly,” Rep. Burns said.
As for the alleged cane incident?
“I was trying to catch you from falling. You were slipping,” Rep. Burns said. “I don’t know what you did with the photos. You may have altered them. I believe you call that Photoshopping in your line of work.”
Where was your pig when the alleged cane incident occurred?
“I think my pig was smelling pigskins,” said Rep. Burns, referencing me. “Let me give you a point of advice, don’t eat a lot of pork rinds before going into the ring. It is bad showmanship.”
And there you have it. The photographic, written, eye witness (for the hundreds who attended), and Rep. Burns’ defense account evidence all has been presented.
On April 7, 2015, Rep. Burns will attempt to improve upon his self-anointed celebrity reserve showmanship championship to regain possession of the “Main Cane.” Without the cane, Rep. Burns may bring a crowbar for the 64th annual festival pig showmanship competition. No swine was harmed by any weapons in the ring, but, as for this newspaper editor, I definitely will be on the lookout for one state representative.
Congratulations to all the youth exhibitors and to everyone who made the festival yet another success. As for Rep. Burns, my borrowed pig for that evening and I will have our eyes on you in 355 days.
Speaking of that, I just saw Rep. Burns’ pig on the other end of the ring in a corner hiding. Since his cane did not work, maybe he should have yelled “Sooie pig!”

Enoch Autry is the managing editor of the Sylvania Telephone.